I don't want to write a bunch of cryptic paragraphs about how I'm feeling, so it'll be straight up in this entry.

I'm really confused about how I feel. Remember that girl from the previous entries? Well she turned me down on a count of my past and some other factors I guess. Anyways, it's been two weeks since that happened. She's still a really good friend and we see each other almost every day in the form of hanging out with other friends. At first things were a little awkward from my side, I guess. I wasn't really understanding what just happened; it seemed like it was going well and then poof. Basically we were vibing physically and then we both agreed to slow down.. get to know each other. Why? I can't recall for sure, but I think it was cause I dropped hints that I actually had feelings for her, even though she kept telling me she didn't want a boyfriend and such. It just seemed like I was changing her mind.

Then it all just hits a brick wall. Anyways, I'm just really confused still, even though I've forced all that away to the back of my mind there's still a little traffic making it's way back to me. I'm hoping making an entry will help me keep it off my mind. I find writing to do that for me sometimes. Trying to move on, but I'm lost, where do I go?!

I'm not a fan of my past. I really wish there was a better way to learn what's wrong and what's right. Nothing works better than a real personal experience. You learn a lot from your own mistakes, so not having any is an issue; it makes you more open to causing a HUGE problem. It's hard to say I'd go back and change things if I could because I know that I'd never make the same mistake again since I understand the consequences of my actions are almost always going to be bad and I'll hate the way I feel in the morning. I really do hate the person I was, even if I told my friends how I felt I think they'd take it with a grain of salt. I understand it's hard to believe claims that have no support; it's impossible to prove it without evidence to back it up. But if I could visually show everyone how I felt when I went through some of the things I did, I think I'd be set in proving that I'm no longer the person I used to be. No more anger, lies, complaining, unnecessary pain, or stupid beliefs.

To sum up the kind of person I used to be in short detail: I was ignorant to becoming a better person, I believed things would fall in place for me and I could do no wrong in doing what I wanted to do. I'd believe the stupidest things that formed in my mind, say the dumbest things I could possibly dream. I'd take words and actions and skew them out of proportion. Put simply, I was a good person but I thought too much of myself, I was too comfortable with my life and believed my only challenge left in life was getting through school. I hurt a lot of people around me, indirectly and directly. I missed out on too many things.

That is why I'm writing this tonight; my past is haunting me right now. As much as it is an example for me to learn from, it also hinders me in some ways. In situations that are familiar, I take my time, so I can get things right and not screw things up to the point where I hate my past even more.

I'm trying to be careful with my life, I don't want to ever become comfortable with myself or with anyone close to me. I'll always be trying to become a better person and I'll always hold myself responsible for my past, I feel that is the best motivation for myself right now.

So, this day isn't finished yet, but I will say this, every moment of this day has been great! I'm so thankful for all my great friends and even all my new friends that I've just started to get to know, they are all fantastic! Though many of them say being 20 is one of the worst years for someone who likes to party, I think it'll be great, because so long as I have my friends there with me, I won't need my favorite liquor to be around in order to have an amazing time (Although I would not mind it, haha!). 

Now, I'm just trying to finish my paper that is due tomorrow so that I can go back out and finish this day hanging out with my best friends.

A complete 180 degree change isn't as bad as I thought it would be.  Completely cutting myself off from my ex-girlfriend has done wonders for me and my self-esteem.  It is like taking hot showers for four years and then one day turning the dial over to cold and experiencing everything you've been missing.  Oh, and just a side note, this is exactly what I did, haha.  I love cold showers now!

At home, enjoying life.

Learned many lessons today.  Friends are great, friends are right almost all the time, even when you don't want them to be, and it's great to go out on a limb.  Also learned a few tricks from watching Burn Notice all night long.

Unfortunately there are people out there who hold different goals than you.  At one point they might have shared a goal with you, but as most people know, even your closest friend can change.  I have just cut ties with probably one of the most heart wrenching relationships/friendships I've had.  I hope I'll never have to go through something like that again.  But I know that if it does happen again, I'll be alright, I've learned my lesson and I'll be careful of who I let close to my heart.

As for my life, this is just another push to leave this city and get on with my life and be successful.  I am slowly making arrangements to transfer to another school and move into an apartment with a friend or three.  Hopefully it all works out.

Still trying to get used to Gaia, lots of different terminology around here but thats like that for any community.  I do wish that I could blog and navigate the site easier from my iPhone, often times I'm out and about and bored as hell and find myself staring into my phone for minutes on end (even at work!).  For now I guess I just have to bookmark specific parts of the site since Safari on the iPhone can't do the drop down menus on this site.  No big deal.

Also trying out this new Google Chrome browser, it's great! I recommend it so far.

Surprised to see some of the groups here, still need to browse around, though I'm sad to see no astrological type groups.  Ah well.

I am very excited to have found Gaia, it has been a long while since I was last apart of a community that held the same interests as myself.  I hope to meet a lot of people here and hopefully a few that are in my area.  I have just recently finished the Gaia Scholarship Survey and will post my answers here in a bit.  Anyways, I am happy to have joined and will be around!